yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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