Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
