So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
