my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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