it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
