My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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