It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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