i think my tv is drunk
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
