and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
