Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
