i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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