just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
