I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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