we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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