when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
