Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
