pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
