he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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