I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
