I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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