U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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