so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I need to stop coming to work sober
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
