I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
