I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
