a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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