U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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