I am in a vortex of obligation.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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