I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize