how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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