i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize