I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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