I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
