someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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