i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
