you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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