Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
