what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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