I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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