We're like a lot better than the average bears
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
