a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
