I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
