It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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