This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize