I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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