The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
