Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
