Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
