The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
