Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I need a beard to bite.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
