So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Randomize
