East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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