thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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