so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
