So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
