i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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