my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
