you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize