Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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