Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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