I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
