Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize