Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
