i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
