I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
