just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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