Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
