it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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