Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
