She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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