Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
