: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
