I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
