I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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